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Copywriting Makeover: Subtle Changes Make A Difference
- Part 2
By Karon Thackston
© 2006
In part 1 of this series, we were introduced to Kneelsit.com, an
Australian manufacturer of ergonomic computer chairs who was in search of a high
conversion rate. After spotting several trouble areas within Kneelsit's original
copy, I set out to rewrite the home page with specific goals in
mind.
The Rewrite
I really felt for the users of these
chairs. They had back problems and medical issues, trying desperately to find
relief. I can only imagine how it must feel to sit in pain all day, every day.
And, after seeing so many false claims for other chairs, I could understand how
they might be skeptical. So, after reading the new home page copy, I wanted the
site visitors to have confidence, to see the difference in the Kneelsit chair
and to understand the benefits this chair would offer.
Of course, those
in chronic pain were not the only visitors to the Kneelsit site. While they were
the primary segment, the audience also consisted of those with mild back pain,
those with inconsistent problems or simple fatigue, and those who simply wanted
a comfortable chair that wouldn't contribute to any future back problems. The
copy also needed to meet their needs and provide the information they were
seeking.
You can see the revised copy here: http://www.copywritingcourse.com/kneelsit-home-new.pdf
The
Headline
The original headline did, in fact, list benefits. It
stated:
Superb Comfort, Perfect Posture, Gentle Movement, Natural
Balance
However, only one of those benefits spoke to audience members.
Superb Comfort. While posture may have been a secondary thought, gentle movement
and natural balance didn't strike a chord simply because of a lack of knowledge.
As it happens, these two benefits are important, but the general population
doesn't understand what they mean. It would require educating the site visitors
about these two before they would grasp their full meaning. That education
couldn't take place within the headline (not enough room!), so those two
benefits needed to be removed.
The headline needed to evoke feelings of
trust for the skeptical and a sense of stability for the hesitant. It also
needed to provide an obvious benefit - one that would catch the reader's
attention.
Also, because it made sense to do so, I included one
keyphrase in the headline. The new headline read:
Ergonomic Chair Design
Based On Years Of Research Lets You Sit For Hours With No Back
Pain
The Opening Paragraph
The original copy started out
just fine by naming some important benefits, but it didn't back them up. After
pointing out the relief of stress and pain, it went directly into an explanation
about the chair's patent.
The new copy took a cleaner path. It started
by pointing out that others (users and professionals) liked the chair, and then
it proceeded (in the next section) to explain why.
The original copy
tried to educate readers about the importance of continuous movement and natural
balance. There is nothing wrong with educating your customers; however, you need
to give ample space to do that. Because the visitors had limited information
about these two benefits on the home page, they may have been confused or - at
the least - unpersuaded.
The new copy held firm on one feature: the
swivel axel mechanism. It explained how this helped with customization of
settings to fit every body type and more. With minimal education needed, the
customer was able to understand that this one, patented feature offered multiple
benefits.
Rather than simply listing shipping details for the close of
the copy, the new version of the home page pointed out some additional benefits
pertaining to quality and stylishness.
As I wrote, I looked for places
to use the keyphrases chosen for this page. This was absolutely not a numbers
game. My goal was not to use the keyphrases as often as I possibly could. That
approach is not SEO copywriting, in my book.
Basing your copywriting
strategy simply on the sheer volume of times you can include keyphrases makes
the copy sound forced and ridiculous. In fact, on this home page, the keyphrases
were only used a total of four or five times. Yet, to the amazement of some, the
home page ranks in the top 10 (and often top five) for its chosen key terms.
The Results
Did it work? Did the changes bring out the
results we wanted? They sure did! When asked about improved conversions, the
owner of Kneelsit.com had this to say, "Our conversion rate has definitely
improved since the rewrite. probably by around 35-40%!"
Sometimes, even
though you may have included important information in your copy, it just doesn't
do what you hoped it would. Take the time to explore, experiment and test.
Replace a headline. Rephrase a paragraph. Subtle changes can often make
noticeable improvements in conversions and other areas of
business.
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